4 weeks ago
30 Aug 2007
MY LIFE WOULD MAKE A LOUSY FILM BECAUSE... PT 2
I have never had someone end a phone conversation with me and, after they cleared the line, felt impelled to say, ‘Hello, Hello, are you still there?’
My mobile phone frequently cannot get a signal, runs out of credit and battery power.
When I get angry I quickly become incoherent, my vocabulary shrinks to an arsenal of a dozen mono and duo syllabic words, and spittle showers my immediate area. I would have failed the Glengarry Glenn Ross auditions.
I have never begun a romance by bumping into a woman, spilling the entire contents of her bag, bending down to help pick the debris up and had my eyes lock apologetically to hers. I met my wife, drunk, outside a pub.
I have never walked out on a restaurant dinner partner by slamming some bank notes on the table
I have never broken into a garden guarded by ferocious dogs.
If I am awoken at night by an unidentified noise I will always say, ‘bloody neighbours’ before falling back to sleep before the minute is up.
I have never sat in a pub, restaurant or hotel bar smoking, enigmatic and alone.
My bed has a quilt, not white sheets
I never awake by suddenly sitting bolt upright and gasping
I have never been caught outside with a woman in a sudden shower of rain and felt the desire to hoist my jacket over both our laughing heads. In cold weather I have never offered my jacket to a woman without reminding her she is daft for not bringing extra layers.