1 month ago
30 Aug 2007
MY LIFE WOULD MAKE A LOUSY FILM BECAUSE... PT 2
I have never had someone end a phone conversation with me and, after they cleared the line, felt impelled to say, ‘Hello, Hello, are you still there?’
My mobile phone frequently cannot get a signal, runs out of credit and battery power.
When I get angry I quickly become incoherent, my vocabulary shrinks to an arsenal of a dozen mono and duo syllabic words, and spittle showers my immediate area. I would have failed the Glengarry Glenn Ross auditions.
I have never begun a romance by bumping into a woman, spilling the entire contents of her bag, bending down to help pick the debris up and had my eyes lock apologetically to hers. I met my wife, drunk, outside a pub.
I have never walked out on a restaurant dinner partner by slamming some bank notes on the table
I have never broken into a garden guarded by ferocious dogs.
If I am awoken at night by an unidentified noise I will always say, ‘bloody neighbours’ before falling back to sleep before the minute is up.
I have never sat in a pub, restaurant or hotel bar smoking, enigmatic and alone.
My bed has a quilt, not white sheets
I never awake by suddenly sitting bolt upright and gasping
I have never been caught outside with a woman in a sudden shower of rain and felt the desire to hoist my jacket over both our laughing heads. In cold weather I have never offered my jacket to a woman without reminding her she is daft for not bringing extra layers.
22 Aug 2007
My life would make a lousy film because... Pt 1:
I have never lit a post-coital cigarette.
I have never ridden, as a patient or a concerned passenger, in an ambulance.
I have never awoken to answer a ringing bed-side telephone with the accusatory greeting, ‘Do you know what time it is?’
I have never come home, walked into my living room and fixed myself a drink.
I have never owned, worn or walked around my apartment in a white cotton vest.
I have never felt imperilled enough in a public eatery to excuse myself, walk briskly to the toilets and try to escape through the window.
I have never got into a taxi and said simply, ‘the airport and step on it’.
When I answer the phone I use polite English ‘He-llo’ by way of greeting. I do not use, ‘Yeah?’, ‘Y’ello?’ or ‘What is it?
I have never had someone slam the phone down on me.
I have never walked into a building and said, ‘Hello, is anybody there?’
I have never run through a hotel kitchen.
I have never driven at great speed through an alleyway.
I have never fled down a backstreet only to come up against a 10 foot unscalable metal mesh gate.
I have never lit a post-coital cigarette.
I have never ridden, as a patient or a concerned passenger, in an ambulance.
I have never awoken to answer a ringing bed-side telephone with the accusatory greeting, ‘Do you know what time it is?’
I have never come home, walked into my living room and fixed myself a drink.
I have never owned, worn or walked around my apartment in a white cotton vest.
I have never felt imperilled enough in a public eatery to excuse myself, walk briskly to the toilets and try to escape through the window.
I have never got into a taxi and said simply, ‘the airport and step on it’.
When I answer the phone I use polite English ‘He-llo’ by way of greeting. I do not use, ‘Yeah?’, ‘Y’ello?’ or ‘What is it?
I have never had someone slam the phone down on me.
I have never walked into a building and said, ‘Hello, is anybody there?’
I have never run through a hotel kitchen.
I have never driven at great speed through an alleyway.
I have never fled down a backstreet only to come up against a 10 foot unscalable metal mesh gate.
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